1. People Burst into Song for No Reason.
There's always a reason (and, incidentally, a rhyme). What were Sandy and Danny supposed to do, talk to their friends about their summer romances? I don't think so. If you're allowed monologues in plays, then why not add some music into the mix and liven the situation up a little?
Besides, who would want to buy roses from somebody who just shouted, “TWO BLOOMS FOR A PENNY”?
2. Musicals Are Way Too Cheesy.
*Insert a ream of cackle-like laughter. *
Right. They're waaaaaay too cheesy. Isn't that what we're all thinking, say, for the duration of Chicago? She shot her husband? Predictable. There's a giant plant trying to take over the world? Saw that coming. American independence? Okay, I really did see that one coming, but it’s hardly a cheesy subject.
3. The laughter increases in both pitch and intensity.
Can you imagine a group of people happily singing Stay Alive in Hamilton, or Not My Father’s Son in Kinky Boots…?
Maybe Les Misérables would be a better place to start, with all its jovial group singing: I Dreamed a Dream, A Little Fall of Rain, On My Own, Empty Chairs at Empty Tables… Need I go on?
No?
Well, I’m going to anyway:
The Movie in My Mind and Maybe (Miss Saigon); the entirety of Rent, but particularly One Song Glory; Surrender (Sunset Boulevard); Endless Night (The Lion King); The Music of the Night (The Phantom of the Opera); I'm Not That Girl (Wicked)…
I really could go on forever.
4. Musicals Don't Talk About Important Issues.
I completely agree with this one. Musicals only talk about shallow, unimportant issues, like the French Revolution (Les Misérables), American Independence (Hamilton), prejudice (Kinky Boots), AIDS and discrimination (Rent), the fall of Saigon (Miss Saigon)…
We're in dire straits, can somebody please write a musical with depth?
5. Famous People Don’t Do Musicals
I'm sure that Vanessa Williams (currently starring in The Devil Wears Prada) and Brian Conley (Back to the Future) would agree. Not to mention Nicola Roberts (Hadestown)…
And, if we were to look back, we might notice names such as Rachel Zegler (Evita) and Nicole Scherzinger (Sunset Boulevard) on the scene as well. And that’s only to mention a very select few.
On the other hand, who actually cares if the people on stage are famous for off-stage work?
Everybody knows that the most talented performers end up in theatre, right?